I will praise You in this storm?!

Wow...over a month since my last blog. It feels like a lifetime ago; so much has happened.

My new job is going well. I am so incredibly blessed to have a job that I love and work with people I admire greatly. God really is good...this I am struggling with. Not the fact that I don't think He is good; but that there is a big storm headed my way and it's getting harder and harder to "keep up the faith" in the midst of it.

I will start by saying that Jay and I have a renewed fire for our faith. Especially Jay. Ever since I took this job. I LOVE that. We have been praying together more and relying on each other more in the spiritual sense. But that doesn't mean that we don't argue when we're stressed. Or that I don't get upset with him for "no apparent reason". Right now we are holding hands, bracing ourselves for the impending storm.

As you may or may not know, my dad is undergoing radiation for a cancer that he has called plasma cytoma. He has a tumor in his spinal cord that causes a great deal of pain and the doctors are optimistic that they can shrink it substantially through radiation. If not, he runs the risk of becoming paralyzed from the waist down. This is a tough one for me. My dad and I have not always been close. I believe I went almost seven years with no contact. We reconnected almost three years ago now and I have a new love and respect for him. He is a wonderful grandpa to my kids (Isabella adores him). I am so incredibly grateful that I have him back in my life. I feel helpless now though. I want to make him better. I don't want him to be going through this alone, but we can't be there for him at every appointment. I know he gets down and I can't make him feel better. This is only something that Christ can do; so every night I lay it at Christ's feet and pray He will take this burden from my dad.

So we get a call today because Jay's mom went to see a specialist about a spot on her lung that they have been keeping an eye on for years, and are now told that she is to undergo surgery for two spots on her lungs that they believe to be cancer. The surgery is October 31. Are you kidding me?! Is this really happening? Now we have two parents who may be dealing with a life-threatening illness. What next? Um, right...another family may be facing the same thing, only a different kind of cancer. And this tumor is 5.5 cm in size. So, yep, make that three people in our family that may be battling the same war. Can I praise Him in THIS storm?

Through all of this, I know that God is with us. He has confirmed that by giving us one more surprise. We are unexpectedly expecting. Again. Trust me...I was super shocked too. This was COMPLETELY out of left field. Not something we really were prepared for. At all. We were good with three kids. Life was going to be okay. I have a job I love. We have three beautiful girls. Although we felt like we were fighting a losing battle at times, we know that we were blessed. And we were OKAY with that. Better than okay! So why this? Why now? With all the stress coming our way, how am I supposed to handle everything? I work full time. I still wake up with a baby at night. Dealing with parents that have a serious disease. And now a baby. I wasn't prepared for this. I didn't ask for it, nor did I necessarily want it.

But then God reminded me that this is HIS plan. Not mine. This baby is a BLESSING. A rainbow in our storm. One little shiny ray of light (that is just over one inch big right now). Once I was able to get over the shock, fear, and just about every emotion one can experience in a short period of time, I am now able to THANK Him. I am now able to be EXCITED for what is in store for our growing family.

Then I think of Jay's mom, my dad, other family who are sick...I find myself asking God, "Are we not praying enough?" "Is this a test?" "What did we do to deserve this?" And I start getting paranoid that maybe I'm letting negativity in. Up until this point, I was okay dealing with my dad. The prognosis looks promising. But now Jay's mom. What are we supposed to do with that? How are we supposed to feel? Even though the doctors are optimistic, how do you expect us to be?

Is it wrong for me to feel this way? I know that I need to be strong for my husband and kids, and I KNOW Jay feels the same way (only for me, not him lol). I think we are maybe putting too much pressure on ourselves and not enough pressure on Christ. Because He can handle it. I mean, who else can die on a cross only to come back to life three days later...hello???

So to end this "venting" session, I will say one thing. I WILL PRAISE YOU IN THIS STORM. End of story.

These are the lyrics for the song by Casting Crowns. It certainly has a special meaning to me. It's my reminder that He is with me. He is my best friend, my therapist, my Redeemer!

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Chorus