Remember that song from way back in the late '80's called Joy and Pain...I believe it was Rob Base that sang it? All I remember is the chorus...
Joy and Pain
Like Sunshine and Rain
Seems to be the anthem for my life lately.
I'm sitting here, just me and my thoughts; kids are gone to school and daycare, hubby is gone to work. Looking at the sunshine out my patio window and cannot help but feel super optimistic about where my life is going.
In two days I will be welcoming my fourth daughter into this world. How I long to hold her on my chest and look into her sweet, innocent eyes, and make all kinds of promises to her that I will love her more than life itself and will do anything and everything to protect her from the harshness of this world. Just like I have done with my previous three girls. And I know that those are promises that I intend to keep. I pray that my kids will grow up with a respect for one another, to feel safe to speak openly and honestly - even when they know it may not be received well. I pray that they will grow up with the self-respect and confidence that they require to "make it" in today's society, with all the garbage that floats around daily. I pray that they will have a servant's heart - to care for others and put those less fortunate before themselves. I pray they have a longing to follow in the teachings of my Father, and theirs - Jesus Christ.
Those are the joys in my life - some of them anyway...
In two days, while I am welcoming my fourth daughter, my dad will be sitting at CancerCare having his second round of chemo administered. Even as I type this, I find myself sobbing for him. He will sit there alone, with others like him (that have family with them), and then will drive himself home to spend the day alone. It pains me to not be able to be there for every appointment; every treatment. He is my dad and as a child of his and as a child of Christ, I am called to help; to be there for him as much as I possibly can. No one should have to fight a disease such as this alone. I know that I am doing all I can without jeopardizing my health and the health of my baby; but how do I know it is enough? Why do I feel so sad every time I leave his house? Why do I constantly question if I'm doing enough; if I could be doing more?
My relationship with dad had be strained for quite a few years, but almost three and a half years ago I made the decision to see him again. I wanted him in my life and in the lives of my (then) two children. I wanted to show him how God had transformed my life and had blessed me with a wonderful husband and two of the very best kids ever! It was then that I made the choice to forgive. Forgive all of the mistakes he had made and forgive myself for the mistakes that I had made. To start fresh and clean; to love with the heart of God. And I have been so blessed in the process to have dad reciprocate that love back to me and my family. Isabella just LOVES grandpa and the joy I see on his face when she's around is enough to tell me that I am making the right decision - that my kids would be missing out by not knowing him. And now he's sick...very sick...
That is the pain in my life...one of them anyway...
So, what to do? There are many other "joys" and "pains" in my life that I am sorting through also. Six months ago everything seemed to start bursting at the seams and I felt God was testing my faith in Him. How much would I rely on Him and ONLY Him to show me the truth. This was something I found extremely rough; especially when He called for me to extend grace to those I didn't want to extend grace to. To pray for those I didn't necessarily want to pray for, or wasn't ready to pray for. He showed me that He loves me and that if I claim to love Him as much as I say I do, then I need to "put my money where my mouth is". So that's what I'm trying to do. I pray for those who I feel have "wronged" me, but I no longer pray about being "wronged". I pray for God to show me how they may feel I have wronged them instead. I pray for God to give me the heart of a servant so that I may be an example to those around me, especially my kids. I pray for all of those who are dealing with sickness in their own families - be it physical, emotional, spiritual - that they may find comfort in the Lord's welcoming embrace.
Most of all, I pray for joy. But without pain, I don't think one can truly experience pure joy - that is a lesson that God has taught me through these last six months. Joy and Pain - like Sunshine and Rain.
Thank you, God, for being the rain that washes my tears away and the sun that dries them. For giving me the opportunity to show Your love to my dad and have it shown back to me. Most of all, thank you, God, for sending Your Son, Jesus Christ, to die on that cross so that we may be saved. This is something that I simply cannot fathom. Thank you for showing the depths of Your love are ENDLESS and that no matter, joy or pain, you will carry us; we just need to hang on.
