Life is busy! Sometimes, especially lately, I have found that I allowed it to get so busy that I didn't even have time to spend in prayer or if I did, it was a quick, half-assed (is that even a word?) one right before I fell asleep. I hate that I let it get to that point; the point where arguments with my husband were a daily occurrence, frustrations with my kids were through the roof, insecurities from every angle...it was just brutal. I SO bad needed a break.
That break came on October 12 at our Women's Retreat at Red Rock. Having never been to anything like this before, I had no clue what to expect and was actually quite nervous. I, to be honest (or should I do the ol' tbh lol), was almost dreading the "emotional" aspect of it. I didn't want to look inside myself; I was scared of what I might see. I know that I have been placing more importance on things and people as opposed to placing all importance on Christ first and foremost. I totally felt the conviction and I really didn't want to face the fact that I had been a pretty lousy child.
The speaker was Heather Boersma and the topic was Dream Big. As soon as she said, "YOU are God's big dream!" I knew I was done; she had my full attention and there was nothing that was going to stop the Spirit from moving in me. I can't even begin to describe the transformation that I felt taking place in me. One of the things that she said was that in my weakness and my shame is where God's power is made perfect. WOW. No matter how disgusted I was with myself; regardless of what I have done/said/felt/heard even recently, His power is made perfect in those dark spots. He shines His light where I don't want it shone. That, my friends, is what truly freed me. That is what "gave me permission" to let go and let God shine.
On the Sunday we had personal reflection time. This allowed me to go off by myself and just really take in the beauty of what was around me. God's creation. Just me and Him. Alone at last...was I ready for this?! I sat down right here:
And I wrote and prayed and wrote and cried and prayed...
God was allowing me to see that with even the slightest bit of resentment or unforgiveness, I am unable to be truly free to love Him and have a pure, personal relationship with Him. I so badly have been longing for that. It's been a long time and I am tired of carrying this cross; it's just too much for me to bear. I made the decision right there in that very spot, that I was going to relinquish control to Christ and trust that He knows 100 percent what He is doing. It's so easy to say, "I trust you, God." It's completely different, and very difficult most of the time, to actually DO it!
So, this is what I did:
I took the stick and wrote the names of each person that I needed to forgive and "let go" of. I wrote all of my insecurities (I totally wished I had a two by four there!) on that stick. My tears drenched it and my heart sang as I did it. I made a commitment to God that I will not allow these things that are written on that stick to define me, to hinder me, to hold me back from forging an honest and true relationship with my Lord and Saviour.
I then took it and broke it into pieces (which wasn't easy, and in some ways I didn't want to relinquish control, I think), and I prayed for each and every word on there. I then threw the pieces into the water and allowed them to float away. What an incredible feeling! I AM FREE!
One last thing I want to leave you with is something that Heather had said on our first night there and that is about the roots of a tree. The tree can only grow as tall as the roots are deep. If a tree doesn't have strong roots to support it, it will fall and break.
The same can be said for our spiritual roots. I don't want to be just "above surface". I want my roots to run deep; so deep that I can't contain them. Then I want my "tree" to blossom and grow and spread all over my "neighbours'" yards, so that each leaf that falls will touch someone, in some way.
I want to be genuine and I want to be free. And through Him, I am indeed.
Thank you, Lord, for being so very loving, so very forgiving, even though I don't deserve it. Over and over You prove to me that I am Your big dream, and I thank you so much that I am able to begin to experience that dream with You. I pray that You will keep my roots planted and my leaves healthy. I pray for each person reading this, that they may experience the freedom that only You can give. In Jesus' name. Amen.
