I will praise You in this storm?!

Wow...over a month since my last blog. It feels like a lifetime ago; so much has happened.

My new job is going well. I am so incredibly blessed to have a job that I love and work with people I admire greatly. God really is good...this I am struggling with. Not the fact that I don't think He is good; but that there is a big storm headed my way and it's getting harder and harder to "keep up the faith" in the midst of it.

I will start by saying that Jay and I have a renewed fire for our faith. Especially Jay. Ever since I took this job. I LOVE that. We have been praying together more and relying on each other more in the spiritual sense. But that doesn't mean that we don't argue when we're stressed. Or that I don't get upset with him for "no apparent reason". Right now we are holding hands, bracing ourselves for the impending storm.

As you may or may not know, my dad is undergoing radiation for a cancer that he has called plasma cytoma. He has a tumor in his spinal cord that causes a great deal of pain and the doctors are optimistic that they can shrink it substantially through radiation. If not, he runs the risk of becoming paralyzed from the waist down. This is a tough one for me. My dad and I have not always been close. I believe I went almost seven years with no contact. We reconnected almost three years ago now and I have a new love and respect for him. He is a wonderful grandpa to my kids (Isabella adores him). I am so incredibly grateful that I have him back in my life. I feel helpless now though. I want to make him better. I don't want him to be going through this alone, but we can't be there for him at every appointment. I know he gets down and I can't make him feel better. This is only something that Christ can do; so every night I lay it at Christ's feet and pray He will take this burden from my dad.

So we get a call today because Jay's mom went to see a specialist about a spot on her lung that they have been keeping an eye on for years, and are now told that she is to undergo surgery for two spots on her lungs that they believe to be cancer. The surgery is October 31. Are you kidding me?! Is this really happening? Now we have two parents who may be dealing with a life-threatening illness. What next? Um, right...another family may be facing the same thing, only a different kind of cancer. And this tumor is 5.5 cm in size. So, yep, make that three people in our family that may be battling the same war. Can I praise Him in THIS storm?

Through all of this, I know that God is with us. He has confirmed that by giving us one more surprise. We are unexpectedly expecting. Again. Trust me...I was super shocked too. This was COMPLETELY out of left field. Not something we really were prepared for. At all. We were good with three kids. Life was going to be okay. I have a job I love. We have three beautiful girls. Although we felt like we were fighting a losing battle at times, we know that we were blessed. And we were OKAY with that. Better than okay! So why this? Why now? With all the stress coming our way, how am I supposed to handle everything? I work full time. I still wake up with a baby at night. Dealing with parents that have a serious disease. And now a baby. I wasn't prepared for this. I didn't ask for it, nor did I necessarily want it.

But then God reminded me that this is HIS plan. Not mine. This baby is a BLESSING. A rainbow in our storm. One little shiny ray of light (that is just over one inch big right now). Once I was able to get over the shock, fear, and just about every emotion one can experience in a short period of time, I am now able to THANK Him. I am now able to be EXCITED for what is in store for our growing family.

Then I think of Jay's mom, my dad, other family who are sick...I find myself asking God, "Are we not praying enough?" "Is this a test?" "What did we do to deserve this?" And I start getting paranoid that maybe I'm letting negativity in. Up until this point, I was okay dealing with my dad. The prognosis looks promising. But now Jay's mom. What are we supposed to do with that? How are we supposed to feel? Even though the doctors are optimistic, how do you expect us to be?

Is it wrong for me to feel this way? I know that I need to be strong for my husband and kids, and I KNOW Jay feels the same way (only for me, not him lol). I think we are maybe putting too much pressure on ourselves and not enough pressure on Christ. Because He can handle it. I mean, who else can die on a cross only to come back to life three days later...hello???

So to end this "venting" session, I will say one thing. I WILL PRAISE YOU IN THIS STORM. End of story.

These are the lyrics for the song by Casting Crowns. It certainly has a special meaning to me. It's my reminder that He is with me. He is my best friend, my therapist, my Redeemer!

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Chorus

For I know the plans I have for you...and does He ever!

Jeremiah 29:11 - that verse just will not leave my head tonight. In case you are not familiar (and don't feel bad because I am one of those as well, who doesn't know verses other than John 3:16 by heart!) I will tell you.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

In my last blog I spoke of a leap of faith I was about to take. Well, I took it and will start my new job at my church in just eight short days (but who's counting!). This was a decision that had been months in the making - only I didn't know it yet.

Let me start at the beginning...

I have been working for a company since February of 2004. This is a job I LOVED up until a couple years ago. You see, I went on MAT leave when I had Isabella and when I returned to work I felt like I needed a change. Not ready to change employers, I applied for a sales position that looked very financially promising. Within a couple of months in this new position, I was kicking myself for taking that job. But I loved the money and the bonuses and the money...

About a year into this new position I found out I was pregnant. I was ECSTATIC! Not just to have another baby, but to have another year off! I know it sounds pretty brutal, but I was beginning to feel so stressed out, I felt like this gave me a light at the end of the tunnel; something to look forward to; a break. You see, in the quest to make as much money as possible, I was taking work home every night; I couldn't seem to keep my head above water. I was getting into conflicts with my boss (who put me back on probation after working there for six years, because I took something like 12 sick days that year; I will mention that I had my gall bladder removed and both my husband and youngest had gotten the H1N1 virus). Despite all that, I kept on. I knew this is what my family needed. It was a good way to provide and it felt good to be able to make more than my husband some months!

But I was miserable. Not just with my job, but with my family, with my life.

Late October of 2010 was my final straw. I got a call from my boss on a day I took as vacation, telling me that someone I considered a close friend at work completely threw me under the bus and wrote a nasty email just to cover her own butt. I was done. I was pregnant and I was done. I went to see my doctor and she said, "You're done.". She gave me the note and I haven't been back since.

Sophia was born on March 5, 2011, so that was the day my MAT leave officially began. When she was a few months old I was already beginning to worry about returning to work in March 2012. But God had other plans for my life.

A couple of months ago they announced that our church Office Administrator is planning on retiring and that position needed to be filled. Immediately I knew I wanted that job. Then the thought of money made me rethink it. Money and loyalty. You see, I pride myself on being a loyal person, both personally and professionally. The thought of disappointing my employer worried me. So I began to pray - probably for the first time, I began to really pray with a completely obedient heart.

And God revealed Himself to me. On July 23, I heard God speak, and for the very first time, I could actually HEAR Him. I knew in my heart that this was where He was leading.

So I applied for the job the night before it was closing. Went through the interview process (still not having the confidence in myself that I would get it, nor the confidence in God - I know that sounds terrible - that things would fall into place as they would need to), and ultimately was offered the job.

I felt torn. Happy that they have enough confidence in me to do the job and worried because I would be taking a drastic pay cut from what I was used to. So I prayed some more, fought with my husband about finances - I knew he secretly wanted me to stay where I was because he's always thinking ahead and worrying about our future (in a financial sense), and argued with God.

Finally I conceded. "Alright, God, if this is where I am meant to be, I will need certain things to happen." And I gave Him my list.

1. Jay's heart will be softened and he will become completely supportive of me taking this job, regardless of money;

2. Daycare will need to fall into place (which was a long shot - it's pretty much unheard of getting two kids into daycare with only four weeks notice);

3. I will feel okay about giving up six months of my MAT leave to return to work.

Jay and I prayed that night and I just sobbed and prayed. I already kind of knew. That was August 10 - the night I wrote my last blog. I was giddy with excitement. I couldn't wait; not sure if I was more excited about the job, or the fact that I KNEW God was going to put me in my place!

I'm NOT joking, the very next day I called the daycare and they made it work. I woke up with a peace in my heart about leaving Sophia six months early. And Jay came home, excited for me to take this job.

FOR REAL?!?!

But you know what? That's how GOD rolls! He waits patiently for us to come to Him. He made me go through certain things to teach me a lesson. Money isn't everything. It was becoming an idol for me and Jay. Our "stuff" was becoming more important than anything. We were making our jobs a priority and pushing our family aside. I would always convince myself that because I sponsor a child and tithe regularly and help people out every now and then that that's enough. The rest of the money was MINE. I WORKED for it; I DESERVE it.

He slapped my hand and said, "Shame on you." Indeed...shame on me.

So here I am, a bit scared, a bit anxious to leave Isabella and Sophia, but a lot excited for this new chapter and ESPECIALLY for my renewed faith and trust in my BFF.

The Change

Tonight was a good night. I had all my siblings and nieces and nephews over as well as my dad. We did up a big ole barbecue (with WAY too much food, as usual). While everyone was in the kitchen getting their food, I just took a look and felt...content. The chaos in my kitchen sent warm fuzzies through my body and a feeling of absolute pride that this is the family I have been blessed with. I am hoping my dad felt that sense of pride tonight too. Not so long ago, it was the complete opposite.

Have you ever felt like you were at a complete crossroad in your life? I have been feeling this way for some time and I just couldn't put my finger on it. Something just didn't feel right in my gut, if that makes any sense. Then things began to slowly fall apart from the inside. It started within the walls of my home, between Jay and I. We were arguing a lot more than usual, Danica would get on my nerves, and Isabella just didn't want to listen to anything, so she pretty much ran the house. I had a big falling out with some members of my family; people I love dearly. I had to fight the urge extra hard to not take up smoking again; to not get into the gambling thing again. This is a battle I fought by myself. I didn't want to talk about it to my husband; he wouldn't understand anyway, or so I told myself. So on I went...living, but not LIVING. As Sophia was nearing her five month birthday I was already beginning to feel anxiety about returning to work. That's ridiculous, I still have seven months left! But slowly I let the depression take over and didn't have the energy nor the motivation to fight it. Slipping, slipping, slipping...

Then I began blogging...

Let me tell you how much this has done for me! It's crazy! I don't blog often, but I do pray about blogging more...lol. My prayer is that God would open my heart and give me the courage to pour it out here on the computer, for all to see. I pray for Him to make me vulnerable; I prayed for Him to break me. Then I prayed for Him to rebuild me. And rebuild me He did! He's not done yet, but I tell you, the most recent tune up is workin' pretty darn good...

I am fully relying on God and He is showing me the changes. Things in my life are beginning to take a very new and exciting direction. But don't get me wrong, I am scared beyond belief! It's like the time in Wisconsin Dells last month that I went down one of the waterslides with Danica. We got halfway up (I'm DEATHLY afraid of heights) and I wanted to go back down. I didn't want to do that anymore. My heart was pounding and my mouth was so dry that my lip was getting stuck on my teeth. She told me that we are halfway there. She won't allow me to give up. So I went. And I screamed. A lot. And maybe the lifeguard had to jump in the water because he thought I was drowning, but whatever; I did it! I took the leap of faith and trusted that I wouldn't die on that waterslide. And I'm thinking about taking another leap of faith. The only difference is that I believe this is a leap that God has put in front of me and I won't be jumping on my own. He is holding my hand. And I don't plan on letting His go. Ever.

The lyrics of the song The Change by Steven Curtis Chapman come to mind.

Well I got myself a T-shirt that says what I believe
I got letters on my bracelet to serve as my ID
I got the necklace and the key chain
And almost everything a good Christian needs, yeah

I got the little Bible magnets on my refrigerator door
And a welcome mat to bless you before you walk across my floor
I got a Jesus bumper sticker
And the outline of a fish stuck on my car
And even though this stuff's all well and good, yeah
I cannot help but ask myself--

What about the change
What about the difference
What about the grace
What about forgiveness
What about a life that's showing
I'm undergoing the change, yeah
I'm undergoing the change

Well I've got this way of thinking that comes so naturally
Where I believe the whole world is revolving around me
And I got this way of living that I have to die to every single day
'Cause if God's Spirit lives inside of me, yeah
I'm gonna live life differently

I'm gonna have the change
I'm gonna have the difference
I'm gonna have the grace
I'm gonna have forgiveness
I'm gonna live a life that's showing
I'm undergoing the change

Those lyrics are me. The last chorus is my prayer. For myself and for you. Don't be afraid. Just jump. And don't close your eyes; you'll miss the beauty all around you. And I guarantee you will begin to love the beauty that IS you.

1 Samuel 10:6 The Spirit of the LORD will come powerfully upon you, and you will prophesy with them; and you will be changed into a different person.

Awe, you think I'm pretty?!

"Mommy, you're not cool but you are pretty!", so says my three year-old to me today. It made me chuckle because just the other day she told me that she "wuvs" my tummy; it's so nice and squishy! Oh, to be three again. To not have to worry about anything other than eating, sleeping, and playing. No body image issues; that doesn't come until at least five years old these days (okay, maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration, but it does start so much younger than it used to).

For some reason tonight (because Isabella tells me I'm pretty quite often), it really stuck in my mind. It made me want to cry a little bit when I tucked her in tonight and listened to her say her bedtime prayers. She looks at me like I am the best thing; her whole world. She doesn't see the imperfections that I see every single time I look in the mirror.

Why is it that we are so consumed with our outer appearance? Don't get me wrong, I do think we need to do all that we can to be healthy (which I find EXTREMELY difficult). I want to lose a lot of weight, partly because I know I need to get healthier; I want to be able to run around with my kids and not get tired right away. But I think it's mostly because I'm embarrassed. Embarrassed of what OTHER people think of me. Embarrassed because my oldest is now a teenager and I don't want her to be ashamed of me. Embarrassed, far too embarrassed, to do anything but make "fat" jokes about myself. I'm not depressed about my weight, but I certainly am ashamed of it.

On the other hand, I am so very fortunate that I have to be concerned with this. Some have self-image issues over things that are/were completely out of their control. So many people talk about their weight and working out, and that's awesome. But what about the ones that are so low about a birthmark on their body that everyone can see. Or the lazy eye that people make fun of (which was me as a kid). Or the crooked teeth they have because their parents couldn't afford braces. What are we teaching our kids? We play a HUGE role in how our kids will view themselves, their peers, and anyone else, for that matter. If we are obsessing over our image, would it not rub off on our kids? Would it make them feel that much more insecure or maybe that much more arrogant? Maybe it would make them look differently at someone who is noticeably "flawed".

For me, I am working at my "inner" flaws, my spiritual ones. God just keeps pointing them out to me lol. But the more I work on that, the more it makes me want to work on my "outer" flaws. It makes me want to get healthy because God wants that for us. I know I am perfect to Him. I mean, He created me and He doesn't make mistakes! But I want to honor Him by taking care of myself. I want to be able to be an example to my kids of what a positive self-image looks like, both physically and spiritually. I want them to be the ones that aren't embarrassed to befriend the kid that's different. To look at someones heart rather than their appearance. I want my children to LOVE themselves, just like GOD LOVES THEM.

If I can give that gift to my children, I will have accomplished something big. And all accomplishments deserve rewards...like maybe an ice cream cone... ;)

1 Corinthians 6:19-20 ¹⁹ Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God? You are not your own; ²⁰ you were bought at a price. Therefore honor God with your bodies.

Child-like Faith

First of all, as I said in my previous blog, I'm VERY new to this, so when I first created this blog, I didn't mean to call it Hmmm. That was actually supposed to be my first post title, but I obviously did it wrong! So now, here it is. It's called Hmmm, which I guess is fitting, since I'm always wondering what will end up in the post once I begin to write. Just thought I would clarify that in case anyone was thinking, "Why in the world would she use such a stupid blog name?!"

Anyways...

Today Isabella was having a bit of an off day. Actually, I shouldn't really say that. Just because, if I went based on her attitude, every day would be a bit of an off day. She's a very busy, smart, funny, defiant, stubborn, incredibly loving (when she wants to), and absolutely perfect in her mommy's eyes, child. Today was no different. Since we are having our carpets cleaned tomorrow (finally), we are trying to get out of the habit of allowing the kids to drink in the living room. Well, Isabella had her cup of water and wanted to bring it in there and I said no. She, in her usual I'm-going-to-see-how-far-I-can-take-this attitude yelled YES! So what did I do? I took the cup away from her. And what did she do? Yep, she hit the cup, which went flying out of my hand and landed on the floor. Keep in mind that it was only water, but that's not the point. I picked her up, spanked her bottom and put her in her room for a time out.

~ Sorry, but I have to interrupt the story to tell what just happened to me. I'm sitting on the chaise in my room typing this and Jay is sleeping (snoring away). All of a sudden he says "Speak Up". First of all, it COMPLETELY freaked me out because the only noise is the humming on my laptop and the sound of the fan. Once I realized that, no, I didn't crap my pants, I said, "What?" and again he said, "Speak up". I was confused. "Speak up about what?" "You were explaining the *insert inaudible mumbling here*" "What???" "You were explaining how the dollar works" (figures he's dreaming about bills or something) "Jay, I wasn't even talking! You must be dreaming." "You must be right." And now he's snoring again. STRANGE!

So, as I was saying, Isabella was sent to time out. Five minutes later she comes out of her room and asks for a drink. I said, "What do you say to Mommy?" "Sorry Mama" "Do you know what you're sorry for?" "For frowing my drink." "That makes mommy very sad and that makes Jesus sad too!" Then she looks at me, a bit worried and says "Pastor Graham telled Jesus?!" What a kid I have! But it got me thinking tonight about how I view God.

You see, Isabella views Jesus like a person. We talk about Him as a friend. Jesus is our friend who we can't see. She just accepts that. It is so hard for us to accept something that we cannot see, hear, or touch.

I came to know Christ as a child - just like Isabella - but Jay was an adult. It was so much harder for him to believe. He once asked Danica (I believe she was seven years old at the time) why she believed in God and she simply said "Because I do". Just like that. She didn't need "proof", she just BELIEVED. Hearing Isabella tonight during her prayers, I couldn't help but pray for God to give me that child-like faith back.

~Oh my, Jay keeps talking in his sleep!~

It's so easy for us to point our finger at someone else, to accuse them (maybe not in so many words) that their faith isn't where WE think it should be. That, if they REALLY were a follower of Jesus Christ, they wouldn't be doing this or doing that. Do we even realize that we are thinking that? If we really took inventory of our thoughts, how many times would we realize that we are being completely hypocritical? I am guilty of this. Even guilty of this this weekend.

I pray, as hard as it is, for God to point out where my faith is lacking. Where my mistakes lie. I pray that He will give me that nudge to take stock of my own life. To do my own inventory; to clean out the corners of my life where some of that faith has grown dusty.

I think that's why I feel the need to write this blog. In a way it is my own way of taking ownership of my faith - my mistakes and my triumphs - in Christ.

Tonight I had my siblings over because Dad felt good enough to take a drive out. It was so very nice. God showed me how fortunate I am to have such loving, caring, extremely understanding siblings who are not perfect, just like me. We are so perfectly flawed and I am so grateful.

I'm starting to get a bit giddy. Maybe it's because I'm tired, but maybe, just maybe, it's that child-like faith bubbling up and over...

I am going to join my husband in the land of sleep-talking now. Sweet Dreams...

Mark 10:13-16 ¹³ People were bringing little children to Jesus for him to place his hands on them, but the disciples rebuked them. ¹⁴ When Jesus saw this, he was indignant. He said to them, “Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. ¹⁵ Truly I tell you, anyone who will not receive the kingdom of God like a little child will never enter it.” ¹⁶ And he took the children in his arms, placed his hands on them and blessed them.

Let's give it a whirl

Well, not sure how this will work out for me as I was never very good at keeping a diary. I wish I was because it would be so neat to look back on it now and see how immature and naive I was. Okay maybe not...

I just thought this was a great way to voice my opinions and what has been laid on my heart.

First, let me start by saying I am NOT a writer, nor have I EVER professed to be. This is more like a conversation I would have in my head. No, I'm not crazy, at least not today ;)

I have been doing a lot of soul searching lately; just trying to get a feel or a sign or something, anything, as to where God is taking my life at this moment. You see, I believe everything in life happens for a reason; there is always a lesson to be learned in everything we experience, whether it be good or bad. I don't believe in coincidence or luck. You may call it that; I call it God.

For the most part, I lead a rich life. I'm not speaking in monetary terms either. I have a wonderful husband and the most awesome kids. We have a roof over our heads, food in our tummies, and the freedom to pray and read the Bible wherever and whenever we want. Life, for the most part, is great. But like anything, it's not always "roses". I believe when we get too comfortable, that's when some things may start to go wrong. It's like God is taking us by the shoulders and shaking us and saying "Don't be stupid! YOU didn't do this, I DID THIS! And because you aren't appreciating all that I have given you, or using the gifts I have equipped you with, I am going to toss you a curve ball." And that is precisely what has happened in my life lately, which is what led me to writing this blog.

I didn't even realize that I was getting too comfortable, but I do realize that God will give us tests every now and then and I, for one, know that I sometimes fail miserably. I'm learning. And praying. And learning some more.

It was a rough weekend for me. Dad's not doing so well; they are checking into some lumps they found around his heart and he's in a lot of pain. Other things in the family could use some improvement as well. Again, God is trying to tell me something. You see, we as humans are so extremely selfish. Poor me, I don't have enough friends. Poor me, I don't make enough money. Poor me, my kids won't nap. Poor me, I'm not skinny enough. Poor me, poor me, poor me. All this while I drink my nice clean water. While I drift off to sleep in my nice soft bed. All this while I worship in my nice big church. While I smile and make small talk with others, even though I am so insecure on the inside, but don't want people to see that part of me.

I have come to realize that all God is asking me for is my WHOLE self. I thought I had already given Him this, but when we don't think we can give anymore, He teaches us to keep giving. And forgiving. Just like He gave us His Son. And continues to forgive our sins. COME ON PEOPLE...HE GAVE HIS ONLY SON!!! The least I can do is give Him more of myself.

I was so wrapped up in my own self pity that I didn't hear God's voice saying "It's okay. Don't stress out. I love you and that's all that matters. Rise above it. And forgive. Because if you don't forgive, you will grow angry and bitter." Sometimes God uses people in our lives to speak for Him. And I am lucky enough to have people in my life who do just that.

Today my husband called me from work and told me that a co-worker and his wife were in a quadding accident. Just like that she is paralyzed from the neck down. And she's only in her mid-twenties. With two young boys.

In that instant nothing in my life mattered. I cried for this couple whom I barely know. As a mother I couldn't imagine never being able to wrap my arms around my kids again. Or helping them get dressed. Or rolling in the grass with them. I couldn't imagine not feeling my husband's loving touch as he holds my hand. Not being able to rub his neck after a tough day at work. Not being able to jump around and sing and dance when our kids pee on the potty for the first time. Or walk them to school on the first day.

So I cried. Not for me this time.

I will continue to cry. But not for me. I will cry for all of those who are lost or have lost. Who are angry or have angered. Just like God weeps for us.

Is God teaching me a hard lesson? Yes.

Is it a lesson I have been taught before? Yes.

Will He have to teach it to me again? Probably, but I hope not.

I am not perfect but I am EXACTLY who God wants me to be. It just takes some reminding from Him every now and then.

For now, I will continue to work on forgiving those who I feel need forgiveness. Praying for those who need prayer. Helping those who need help. Because that is what I am called to do.

Mark 6:34, "And Jesus, when he came out, saw much people, and was moved with compassion toward them, because they were as sheep not having a shepherd: and he began to teach them many things."