I AM FREE

I know, I know...I'm a horrible, inconsistent blogger...I'm not even going to make any excuses (except having four kids, trying to run a home business, volunteer work, coffee with friends, time with family...). Okay, so maybe I am...

Life is busy! Sometimes, especially lately, I have found that I allowed it to get so busy that I didn't even have time to spend in prayer or if I did, it was a quick, half-assed (is that even a word?) one right before I fell asleep. I hate that I let it get to that point; the point where arguments with my husband were a daily occurrence, frustrations with my kids were through the roof, insecurities from every angle...it was just brutal. I SO bad needed a break.

That break came on October 12 at our Women's Retreat at Red Rock. Having never been to anything like this before, I had no clue what to expect and was actually quite nervous. I, to be honest (or should I do the ol' tbh lol), was almost dreading the "emotional" aspect of it. I didn't want to look inside myself; I was scared of what I might see. I know that I have been placing more importance on things and people as opposed to placing all importance on Christ first and foremost. I totally felt the conviction and I really didn't want to face the fact that I had been a pretty lousy child.

The speaker was Heather Boersma and the topic was Dream Big. As soon as she said, "YOU are God's big dream!" I knew I was done; she had my full attention and there was nothing that was going to stop the Spirit from moving in me. I can't even begin to describe the transformation that I felt taking place in me. One of the things that she said was that in my weakness and my shame is where God's power is made perfect. WOW. No matter how disgusted I was with myself; regardless of what I have done/said/felt/heard even recently, His power is made perfect in those dark spots. He shines His light where I don't want it shone. That, my friends, is what truly freed me. That is what "gave me permission" to let go and let God shine.

On the Sunday we had personal reflection time. This allowed me to go off by myself and just really take in the beauty of what was around me. God's creation. Just me and Him. Alone at last...was I ready for this?! I sat down right here:

And I wrote and prayed and wrote and cried and prayed...

God was allowing me to see that with even the slightest bit of resentment or unforgiveness, I am unable to be truly free to love Him and have a pure, personal relationship with Him. I so badly have been longing for that. It's been a long time and I am tired of carrying this cross; it's just too much for me to bear. I made the decision right there in that very spot, that I was going to relinquish control to Christ and trust that He knows 100 percent what He is doing. It's so easy to say, "I trust you, God." It's completely different, and very difficult most of the time, to actually DO it!

So, this is what I did:

I took the stick and wrote the names of each person that I needed to forgive and "let go" of. I wrote all of my insecurities (I totally wished I had a two by four there!) on that stick. My tears drenched it and my heart sang as I did it. I made a commitment to God that I will not allow these things that are written on that stick to define me, to hinder me, to hold me back from forging an honest and true relationship with my Lord and Saviour.

I then took it and broke it into pieces (which wasn't easy, and in some ways I didn't want to relinquish control, I think), and I prayed for each and every word on there. I then threw the pieces into the water and allowed them to float away. What an incredible feeling! I AM FREE!

One last thing I want to leave you with is something that Heather had said on our first night there and that is about the roots of a tree. The tree can only grow as tall as the roots are deep. If a tree doesn't have strong roots to support it, it will fall and break.

The same can be said for our spiritual roots. I don't want to be just "above surface". I want my roots to run deep; so deep that I can't contain them. Then I want my "tree" to blossom and grow and spread all over my "neighbours'" yards, so that each leaf that falls will touch someone, in some way.

I want to be genuine and I want to be free. And through Him, I am indeed.

Thank you, Lord, for being so very loving, so very forgiving, even though I don't deserve it. Over and over You prove to me that I am Your big dream, and I thank you so much that I am able to begin to experience that dream with You. I pray that You will keep my roots planted and my leaves healthy. I pray for each person reading this, that they may experience the freedom that only You can give. In Jesus' name. Amen.

I choose...

Last time I blogged was two days before the birth of my precious baby girl. That was more than three months ago...it's so insane how busy life gets and how fast time seems to fly by. I have been meaning to blog for a while now, but simply haven't had the time, so this may be long-winded. Some of this was written a couple of months ago; I'm just continuing on. Go, make yourself a cup of tea, grab a comfy seat; it's okay, I'll wait! ;)

I will begin where I left off last time:

We welcomed Alyssa Faith into our lives on April 5 at 8:41 am. She weighed 8lbs 3oz and was 20" long. Our biggest baby. She's perfect, absolutely perfect. I don't think it ever gets old holding your newborn on your chest, skin to skin, feeling the bonding that has been there for the past nine months, only now it's something tangible in your arms. You can hold her, kiss her, tell her you'll always love her. There is no better feeling.

She was my fourth and last baby. I had a tubal ligation done right away, as our family is complete with our four little pieces of Heaven. It's something I'm struggling with a little, teeny bit. Not that I wanted to have more than four kids, but to some degree I feel like I'm mourning the "possibility" of having more. Does that even make sense?

Seems I'm struggling with quite a bit lately. Maybe it`s a bit of postpartum... wouldn't be the first time. Unfortunately, my husband gets the brunt of it. I`m so very lucky to have him in my life and be as tolerant as he is. I wonder why things seem so magnified after giving birth...

Maybe a bit of postpartum....maybe circumstances beyond my control....

As mentioned in the last post, my dad has been going for chemo. After all the tests had been done, my sister and I went with him to hear the results. Not exactly what we wanted to hear, but not exactly surprised either.  He has bone cancer. They have a plan, which has a pretty high success rate, to put it into remission for a couple of years, but it involves him to be hospitalized for a month while he undergoes stem cell transplant and then very intense chemo. He`s not liking that idea too much. It is his right to say no to treatments, which he has pretty much decided to do. We will go with him to his appointment on the 26th of this month to be a support to him. He doesn't want to do anything to prolong any sort of illness, even if it means potentially going into remission for a while. I'm learning to accept this.

Things in my life are beginning to improve. There are small glimpses of hope with some members of my family - the gaps are being bridged and I am over the moon over that. My devotion today was on forgiveness and I just felt so much like it was speaking to me. I don't want anything to hinder my relationships within my home, so that's why I choose forgiveness. I choose to forgive those around me who have deeply hurt me - I don't even care to know why; it's not important. I love my family - ALL of them - with all my heart and I am so overjoyed to be seeing everyone again, even if it is sporadic. Quite frankly, I don't want the same relationships that I had with them before; it wasn't healthy. Now there are boundaries and I like that.

Another positive in my life has been the blessings of really good friends. I have been doing a bible study with Lisa for FOREVER now. What was supposed to be a 10 week study has now turned into...well, who knows, because we're still trying to get through it! We only started it late January or so lol. I wouldn't want to do this journey with anyone else though!

I believe God places people in our lives at just the right moment. I can't think of any word other than Godsend for two of my very best friends - Jenna and Amber. I have been so touched by the love that these ladies show to me and my kids and feel so much love for them and their kids. I love that I have "sisters" outside of family to bounce ideas off of, praise with, pray with, laugh with, cry with, and maybe have an occasional cold drink with. Around a fire. Late at night. I have longed for that. Longed for the day when I could be completely myself, flaws, flab, frustrations; we let it ALL "hang" out. They breathe into me such fresh air; a feeling of completion; our triad. I am so very grateful.

I believe through these three ladies being placed in my life, that God has provided an opportunity for me to forgive. To heal. And I'm scooping up that opportunity and running with it. If I happen to lose a few proverbial pounds in the process, even better! :)

And don’t sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil.  Ephesians 4:26,27

Joy and Pain

Remember that song from way back in the late '80's called Joy and Pain...I believe it was Rob Base that sang it? All I remember is the chorus...

Joy and Pain
Like Sunshine and Rain

Seems to be the anthem for my life lately.

I'm sitting here, just me and my thoughts; kids are gone to school and daycare, hubby is gone to work. Looking at the sunshine out my patio window and cannot help but feel super optimistic about where my life is going.

In two days I will be welcoming my fourth daughter into this world. How I long to hold her on my chest and look into her sweet, innocent eyes, and make all kinds of promises to her that I will love her more than life itself and will do anything and everything to protect her from the harshness of this world. Just like I have done with my previous three girls. And I know that those are promises that I intend to keep. I pray that my kids will grow up with a respect for one another, to feel safe to speak openly and honestly - even when they know it may not be received well. I pray that they will grow up with the self-respect and confidence that they require to "make it" in today's society, with all the garbage that floats around daily. I pray that they will have a servant's heart - to care for others and put those less fortunate before themselves. I pray they have a longing to follow in the teachings of my Father, and theirs - Jesus Christ.

Those are the joys in my life - some of them anyway...

In two days, while I am welcoming my fourth daughter, my dad will be sitting at CancerCare having his second round of chemo administered. Even as I type this, I find myself sobbing for him. He will sit there alone, with others like him (that have family with them), and then will drive himself home to spend the day alone. It pains me to not be able to be there for every appointment; every treatment. He is my dad and as a child of his and as a child of Christ, I am called to help; to be there for him as much as I possibly can. No one should have to fight a disease such as this alone. I know that I am doing all I can without jeopardizing my health and the health of my baby; but how do I know it is enough? Why do I feel so sad every time I leave his house? Why do I constantly question if I'm doing enough; if I could be doing more?

My relationship with dad had be strained for quite a few years, but almost three and a half years ago I made the decision to see him again. I wanted him in my life and in the lives of my (then) two children. I wanted to show him how God had transformed my life and had blessed me with a wonderful husband and two of the very best kids ever! It was then that I made the choice to forgive. Forgive all of the mistakes he had made and forgive myself for the mistakes that I had made. To start fresh and clean; to love with the heart of God. And I have been so blessed in the process to have dad reciprocate that love back to me and my family. Isabella just LOVES grandpa and the joy I see on his face when she's around is enough to tell me that I am making the right decision - that my kids would be missing out by not knowing him. And now he's sick...very sick...

That is the pain in my life...one of them anyway...

So, what to do? There are many other "joys" and "pains" in my life that I am sorting through also. Six months ago everything seemed to start bursting at the seams and I felt God was testing my faith in Him. How much would I rely on Him and ONLY Him to show me the truth. This was something I found extremely rough; especially when He called for me to extend grace to those I didn't want to extend grace to. To pray for those I didn't necessarily want to pray for, or wasn't ready to pray for. He showed me that He loves me and that if I claim to love Him as much as I say I do, then I need to "put my money where my mouth is". So that's what I'm trying to do. I pray for those who I feel have "wronged" me, but I no longer pray about being "wronged". I pray for God to show me how they may feel I have wronged them instead. I pray for God to give me the heart of a servant so that I may be an example to those around me, especially my kids. I pray for all of those who are dealing with sickness in their own families - be it physical, emotional, spiritual - that they may find comfort in the Lord's welcoming embrace.

Most of all, I pray for joy. But without pain, I don't think one can truly experience pure joy - that is a lesson that God has taught me through these last six months. Joy and Pain - like Sunshine and Rain.

Thank you, God, for being the rain that washes my tears away and the sun that dries them. For giving me the opportunity to show Your love to my dad and have it shown back to me. Most of all, thank you, God, for sending Your Son, Jesus Christ, to die on that cross so that we may be saved. This is something that I simply cannot fathom. Thank you for showing the depths of Your love are ENDLESS and that no matter, joy or pain, you will carry us; we just need to hang on.

Parent First, Friend Second

Where do I begin...it's been a long but quick four months since my last entry. How about an update first?

My dad finished his radiation and went for numerous tests, including a PET scan, which detected something in his thigh now. The tumor on his vertebrae had shrunk, however, it seems to still be causing a great deal of pain. So now we wait for his MRI appointment, at which time they will determine if more radiation and perhaps chemo will be necessary.

Jay's mom's surgery went really well. They removed the couple of spots as well as her emphysema from the lungs and she recovered nicely. Turns out it was cancer, but stage 1 lung cancer, so no further treatment was necessary. And she is now in her fourth month as a non-smoker! Now if that's not a PTL, I don't know what is!

I am T minus 8 weeks or so until this baby arrives; which will make Jay and I parents of four, yes FOUR, beautiful girls. And, NO, we will NOT be trying for a boy! Four girls is enough!

Now, as I reach the end of this pregnancy, I'm beginning to feel the stress of spreading myself between four kids - three of which will be three & under. Maybe stress is too light of a word. Panic is more like it. Isabella is completely a Mommy's girl; very busy, demanding, and full of attitude. No one can do anything for her except for me, which tends to be quite frustrating at times! Sophia is completely the opposite. Daddy's girl all the way. She's much less demanding, but she's only 11 months, so maybe that will come yet - I hope not! And Danica is 13 years old and a typical teenager trying to find her way in the world, which brings me to why I felt compelled to write this post.

I'm having a hard time balancing everything and making time for every one. It used to be so easy when I was the parent of one child only for ten years. This is when I believe I began thinking it was okay to spoil her; not even realizing that sometimes in our quest to make sure our kids have what they "need" we also become prideful. I'm sure every parent worries that their child won't make friends in school, or will be the one picked last for a team in gym class. I certainly did. I think it's partially because I was that kid. I was always picked last and picked on. In the beginning anyway, until I found my voice and the wrong group of friends.

So, in this quest to be the "cool" mom, I think I forgot a few key components. The biggest is be their friend SECOND. Parent FIRST. Don't get me wrong, it's not like I completely dropped the ball. It used to be, "If you see someone being picked on, make sure you are nice to them and extend a friendship to them."

Looking back, I now realize that no 11 year old needs a laptop. They don't need the $120 brand name shoes. Nor does turning 12 or 13 entitle them to have posters all over their walls, a big screen TV, a blu-ray player, a Wii, and a closet so full of clothes that some she has already grown out of and they still have tags on them. Nor does it mean that they need to have their Ipod touch on them everywhere they go. These are dangerous tools. What are we teaching our kids?

I watched the Joyce Meyer broadcast this morning titled Humble Yourself Under the Mighty Hand of God. It spoke of being prideful. It made sense when I was watching it, but it's always easy to watch the half hour, then go about the day and not think of it again, really.

Tonight something told me to do one of our "random checks" on the Ipod. I wasn't impressed. It really made me realize how prideful we can be as parents. No parent wants to admit that they struggle with parenting their kids; it's far easier to look at other families and pass judgment on how their kids behave, dress, talk, etc. This all came into perspective for me today. It brought me back to the day when I received a letter in the mail from the VBS that Danica had attended the summer she was six or seven. It said how proud I must be that she asked Jesus into her heart. When I read this, I was shocked. Danica didn't tell me this; how could she not tell me?! So I asked her why she didn't share that news with me and she looked at me and said, "Mom, I did tell you." Wow. Talk about a punch right in the gut. This was such a huge deal in my little girl's life and I didn't even acknowledge it. That's actually what forced me to go back to church after 18 years.

So here I am, facing some challenges of being a mom to a teenager. I would love to blame it solely on society; there's garbage everywhere in the media! Or maybe I can blame it on being stretched too thin by life in general. But in the end, I have to take a good hard look at myself and ask God to reveal the areas where I have failed. This was one. So, again, in the quest to be a "cool" mom, I failed at being the mom she needs. The one that will just sit and paint her nails and talk. The one that will do devotions with her. The one that will still tuck her in and pray with her. My life is so full of crazy busyness that I let my first precious blessing almost fall through the cracks. Please don't misinterpret this to think she did something terrible; she didn't, I assure you. I just realized today that I need to equip her with love, strength, self-worth, confidence, respect, and all the other necessary tools to not allow herself to grow up too fast. It's impossible to do this if I have pride in me. I need to be humble. I don't need her to have a billion friends, to be the "cool" kid. I don't need her to like the decisions that we as her parents make for her. She wants to wear make-up, which I have let her. Does she need it? Nope. Gone are the posters, the TV, blu-ray player, laptop, Wii, Ipod. She doesn't need those things. They just get in the way of her relationship with God. And I have realized that they are just distractions for her and I to not have to communicate effectively.

Will I ever let her have these things back? Probably. When she earns them. But until then, I am going to look forward to each new day that I have with my precious D. Without the distractions of unnecessary stuff. I will step up with confidence in myself as a Mom and as a Woman of Christ because I know that is what God has intended me to be.

Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it. Proverbs 22:6