I choose...

Last time I blogged was two days before the birth of my precious baby girl. That was more than three months ago...it's so insane how busy life gets and how fast time seems to fly by. I have been meaning to blog for a while now, but simply haven't had the time, so this may be long-winded. Some of this was written a couple of months ago; I'm just continuing on. Go, make yourself a cup of tea, grab a comfy seat; it's okay, I'll wait! ;)

I will begin where I left off last time:

We welcomed Alyssa Faith into our lives on April 5 at 8:41 am. She weighed 8lbs 3oz and was 20" long. Our biggest baby. She's perfect, absolutely perfect. I don't think it ever gets old holding your newborn on your chest, skin to skin, feeling the bonding that has been there for the past nine months, only now it's something tangible in your arms. You can hold her, kiss her, tell her you'll always love her. There is no better feeling.

She was my fourth and last baby. I had a tubal ligation done right away, as our family is complete with our four little pieces of Heaven. It's something I'm struggling with a little, teeny bit. Not that I wanted to have more than four kids, but to some degree I feel like I'm mourning the "possibility" of having more. Does that even make sense?

Seems I'm struggling with quite a bit lately. Maybe it`s a bit of postpartum... wouldn't be the first time. Unfortunately, my husband gets the brunt of it. I`m so very lucky to have him in my life and be as tolerant as he is. I wonder why things seem so magnified after giving birth...

Maybe a bit of postpartum....maybe circumstances beyond my control....

As mentioned in the last post, my dad has been going for chemo. After all the tests had been done, my sister and I went with him to hear the results. Not exactly what we wanted to hear, but not exactly surprised either.  He has bone cancer. They have a plan, which has a pretty high success rate, to put it into remission for a couple of years, but it involves him to be hospitalized for a month while he undergoes stem cell transplant and then very intense chemo. He`s not liking that idea too much. It is his right to say no to treatments, which he has pretty much decided to do. We will go with him to his appointment on the 26th of this month to be a support to him. He doesn't want to do anything to prolong any sort of illness, even if it means potentially going into remission for a while. I'm learning to accept this.

Things in my life are beginning to improve. There are small glimpses of hope with some members of my family - the gaps are being bridged and I am over the moon over that. My devotion today was on forgiveness and I just felt so much like it was speaking to me. I don't want anything to hinder my relationships within my home, so that's why I choose forgiveness. I choose to forgive those around me who have deeply hurt me - I don't even care to know why; it's not important. I love my family - ALL of them - with all my heart and I am so overjoyed to be seeing everyone again, even if it is sporadic. Quite frankly, I don't want the same relationships that I had with them before; it wasn't healthy. Now there are boundaries and I like that.

Another positive in my life has been the blessings of really good friends. I have been doing a bible study with Lisa for FOREVER now. What was supposed to be a 10 week study has now turned into...well, who knows, because we're still trying to get through it! We only started it late January or so lol. I wouldn't want to do this journey with anyone else though!

I believe God places people in our lives at just the right moment. I can't think of any word other than Godsend for two of my very best friends - Jenna and Amber. I have been so touched by the love that these ladies show to me and my kids and feel so much love for them and their kids. I love that I have "sisters" outside of family to bounce ideas off of, praise with, pray with, laugh with, cry with, and maybe have an occasional cold drink with. Around a fire. Late at night. I have longed for that. Longed for the day when I could be completely myself, flaws, flab, frustrations; we let it ALL "hang" out. They breathe into me such fresh air; a feeling of completion; our triad. I am so very grateful.

I believe through these three ladies being placed in my life, that God has provided an opportunity for me to forgive. To heal. And I'm scooping up that opportunity and running with it. If I happen to lose a few proverbial pounds in the process, even better! :)

And don’t sin by letting anger control you. Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry, for anger gives a foothold to the devil.  Ephesians 4:26,27