The Change

Tonight was a good night. I had all my siblings and nieces and nephews over as well as my dad. We did up a big ole barbecue (with WAY too much food, as usual). While everyone was in the kitchen getting their food, I just took a look and felt...content. The chaos in my kitchen sent warm fuzzies through my body and a feeling of absolute pride that this is the family I have been blessed with. I am hoping my dad felt that sense of pride tonight too. Not so long ago, it was the complete opposite.

Have you ever felt like you were at a complete crossroad in your life? I have been feeling this way for some time and I just couldn't put my finger on it. Something just didn't feel right in my gut, if that makes any sense. Then things began to slowly fall apart from the inside. It started within the walls of my home, between Jay and I. We were arguing a lot more than usual, Danica would get on my nerves, and Isabella just didn't want to listen to anything, so she pretty much ran the house. I had a big falling out with some members of my family; people I love dearly. I had to fight the urge extra hard to not take up smoking again; to not get into the gambling thing again. This is a battle I fought by myself. I didn't want to talk about it to my husband; he wouldn't understand anyway, or so I told myself. So on I went...living, but not LIVING. As Sophia was nearing her five month birthday I was already beginning to feel anxiety about returning to work. That's ridiculous, I still have seven months left! But slowly I let the depression take over and didn't have the energy nor the motivation to fight it. Slipping, slipping, slipping...

Then I began blogging...

Let me tell you how much this has done for me! It's crazy! I don't blog often, but I do pray about blogging more...lol. My prayer is that God would open my heart and give me the courage to pour it out here on the computer, for all to see. I pray for Him to make me vulnerable; I prayed for Him to break me. Then I prayed for Him to rebuild me. And rebuild me He did! He's not done yet, but I tell you, the most recent tune up is workin' pretty darn good...

I am fully relying on God and He is showing me the changes. Things in my life are beginning to take a very new and exciting direction. But don't get me wrong, I am scared beyond belief! It's like the time in Wisconsin Dells last month that I went down one of the waterslides with Danica. We got halfway up (I'm DEATHLY afraid of heights) and I wanted to go back down. I didn't want to do that anymore. My heart was pounding and my mouth was so dry that my lip was getting stuck on my teeth. She told me that we are halfway there. She won't allow me to give up. So I went. And I screamed. A lot. And maybe the lifeguard had to jump in the water because he thought I was drowning, but whatever; I did it! I took the leap of faith and trusted that I wouldn't die on that waterslide. And I'm thinking about taking another leap of faith. The only difference is that I believe this is a leap that God has put in front of me and I won't be jumping on my own. He is holding my hand. And I don't plan on letting His go. Ever.

The lyrics of the song The Change by Steven Curtis Chapman come to mind.

Well I got myself a T-shirt that says what I believe
I got letters on my bracelet to serve as my ID
I got the necklace and the key chain
And almost everything a good Christian needs, yeah

I got the little Bible magnets on my refrigerator door
And a welcome mat to bless you before you walk across my floor
I got a Jesus bumper sticker
And the outline of a fish stuck on my car
And even though this stuff's all well and good, yeah
I cannot help but ask myself--

What about the change
What about the difference
What about the grace
What about forgiveness
What about a life that's showing
I'm undergoing the change, yeah
I'm undergoing the change

Well I've got this way of thinking that comes so naturally
Where I believe the whole world is revolving around me
And I got this way of living that I have to die to every single day
'Cause if God's Spirit lives inside of me, yeah
I'm gonna live life differently

I'm gonna have the change
I'm gonna have the difference
I'm gonna have the grace
I'm gonna have forgiveness
I'm gonna live a life that's showing
I'm undergoing the change

Those lyrics are me. The last chorus is my prayer. For myself and for you. Don't be afraid. Just jump. And don't close your eyes; you'll miss the beauty all around you. And I guarantee you will begin to love the beauty that IS you.

1 Samuel 10:6 The Spirit of the LORD will come powerfully upon you, and you will prophesy with them; and you will be changed into a different person.